As opaque as Midnight

Medellín, COLOMBIA -- Sometime after newspapers went to the web, they began to allow comments. I never used to take much notice. The few lines peeking up from below the article always confirmed my assumptions about such public exchanges--nothing but snide and poorly punctuated partisan blabber. (I can recall only one recent occasion in which I read through the comments. It was an article about journalism internships.) Since I started writing for Colombia Reports, my outlook has changed little. But I have gotten to know one particularly special commentor. 'Midnight'.

Penning an appropriate introduction has proven beyond me tonight, so I will simply present Midnight (man? woman? beast? I'll use a male pronoun for ease of reading) in his own words. This gem, far less opaque than his usual opinionating, came in response to an article I wrote on the lack of a Colombia-U.S. judicial cooperation bill:

Gee Ken,

I don't think that the DOJ, or Supreme Court need anything not even a video to expedite a hearing for the murders, not in this country. I may be wrong, I have been before but I believe that they have what they need right now. I have the family, family rules or what?

BARBIE

Yes, he is BARBIE. No, he is not always so lucid. And no, he is not always Barbie. For part two, I'll give you a more typical example, but stick with the family theme. He wrote this one today under my article about Colombian president Alvaro suggesting possible successors, including two women:

Excellent idea. I am just shocked, very generous, if you love something you will always find your way to this. Nobility is a just cause.

There are always those who will deny justice but in the end it will prevail. Isn’t that the funny thing. When some people say one way or another, they say it to defy justice, and when others say it, they say it to rectify or enforce it.

Ken,

It’s always the family, always, right now.

BARBIE

Despite the vast majority of our visitors coming from the U.S., Canada and the United Kingdom, a disproportionate of posters are, I assume from their grammar, non-native English speakers. This is fitting, as Adriaan is Dutch. But there is no guessing where Midnight hails from. Perhaps another planet. Here is a serious rant prompted (?) by an article I wrote on a Danish judge refusing evidence because it might have been gained by torture:

Common sense, yes thats what I expect. Common sense.

Ken,

If I have to take time to move I’m going to let the family scrutinize you. Will Colombia be there when I get back? Will you still be eligible for my spontaneity and humor? Can you follow family rules?

I will watch as closely as possible but there is a lot going on right now. I have to keep up with your better half. This I can do while not paying attention. You will find that when you get done with your cleaning and all of you are right now that you will once again be gaining ground all of you together. There is a plan and a feasible one.
Unlike myself you still have a budget, I belong to the servomechanism, please don’t make them come get me, it only causes us all to get upset.

DO YOU HEAR ME NOW?

BARBIE

I want to hear more about the servomechanism. Actually, Midnight is not always nuts. Sometimes forgets his role as resident nut and turns out rather cogent analysis. But that's only sometimes. The rest of the time it's off-the-wall commentary followed by Mattel-inspired garble. I wondered about this bi-polar schism until I came across this post:

Oh no! People do not think that, no not at all. Most people actually realize a wise investment in the future themselves. I myself check out the entire south basin all of the time, the wildlife and one never knows what I may have my hands in too. We don't want, "a rich man from this very website to catch on though." Machismo and all.

I was raised right outside of the gates of a military base however, and he's not only grating on my last nerve he is now squeezing my mainline. You understand.

Funny story one time another Ken launched all out warfare with me using bugs. The fifth month into it he looked terribly ragged and wanted to know how I came so clean.

The time before another Ken launched all out warfare on me and claimed to have the ability to make a mother f888ing junkie out of me. A few months into it and unsuccessful he parked his van outside of my house, unshaven and discouraged he caved right there.

You would not believe some of the ideas that I have had to endure.

Ken,

That dirty wash was not for free, no more cocaine caviar for you I didn't even like your predecessors. If I did know they were getting bags dumped on their heads I was on the East coast listening to the Sultans of Swing.

BARBIE

It seems we've been hearing from BARBIE -- why is it all caps all the time? -- the whole time. No fascinating split personalities here. Just one unforgettable one. And I'm not the only one who appreciates it:

Juancho to Midnight -

Your comments are extremely mind boggling to read. I am yet to understand one single comment, but I tip my hat to you midnight. You are fun to read. Don’t go sane on us now.

I second that.